Category Archives: musings

Valuable: day 6

My dog is awesome. When i was growing up, we had pets, but it was difficult to keep them indoors due to allergies throughout the family. Brain has taught me a lot about myself, something that i never expected from a dog. And having her with me anytime i am home feels amazing. Another living being so unlike a human yet completely able to communicate with me…even if it is primitive at times.

Valuable: day 4

Graduating from college was one of the proudest moments for me personally. Not because I think graduates are better than anyone else, but because it was a personal goal that was a real challenge for me to complete. Seeing something that long term through to the end was a huge accomplishment for me personally. Now my degree hangs beautifully framed on the wall, and anytime I feel crappy about things I’ve not accomplished yet, I can look up at it and remember I can do anything given enough time.

Valuable: day 3

I’m very proud that I have very little debt (only mortgages). It’s tough to stay disciplined and not go spending money I don’t have on things I think I want/need, but at times like these (when there are lots of bills to pay), it’s nice not to have that extra overhead at such high interest rates.

Valuable: day 2

I know, I know. I missed a few days.

I have to say, I highly value the down time I get, particularly after a busy weekend w/activities and company in town. I love vegging out on a Sunday afternoon, drinking a beer or two, and relaxing to some TV (just finished season 4 of Mad Men) or a movie. Being an introvert, I need time to recharge, and lazy Sunday afternoon is just the thing to regain my energy.

What’s valuable?

I have decided to do an exercise in perspective for myself. I often hold myself to a much higher standard than is possible, and think that despite my successes, i have done nothing and gained nothing for myself over the years. And to top it off, our society promotes the idea of what everyone else thinks you should be doing, eating, buying, etc. Over the next 30 days, I’m going to post something specific…detailed even…to describe something that is valuable to me with the idea that I will have something tangible to remind me everyday that I am valuable, and so are the things I choose to do. Duh!

On Worry…

This is a segment of the Asmi Yoga newsletter. Dolly Stavros is one of my favorite yoga teachers, and always has some nuggets. This segment resonates with me (worry wart!), and felt it should be documented if for no other benefit than my own personal record. It’s written in the context of worry and the autumnal equinox (sept).

“Witness the quality of your thoughts. Will the thought-seeds you plant grow weeds or beautiful blossoms? Ritualize this equinox (time of new beginnings), by channeling your energy into that which will manifest your dreams and desires, not your doubts and dreads. Be grateful. Watch with childlike wonder as the wind blows the leaves of your life into whirls of chaos, knowing that you can rake them up later! Refuse to be unfazed by life’s storms. Life fully. Breathe deeply. Celebrate joyously this gift of life, even if it’s not perfect. Because in its imperfection, it is perfect!”

relationship follow up

sometimes, i just have to get things out of my head. and sometimes, i have the distinct urge to put those thoughts out to the universe in a public forum (as opposed to a journal or even a piece of paper). there’s something very therapeutic knowing that my thoughts are out there for all to read…even if it’s strangers who don’t have context or even give a shit. the simple act of getting it out into the world is reassuring to me, and will calm me down.

things are just fine in my world. and my relationship with the female in the previous blog post is absolutely fine. i simply had too much swirling around in my head, my left brain spinning a giant wheel of unreal (as in fake) insecurity. it’s a bad habit, and one that’s difficult to break out of, but regular yoga and meditation usually keep me out of it. the lack of yoga is obvious lol.

sometimes, i feel i’m a failure at relationships. it’s generally with women. i seem to be completely inept at maintaining a relationship with a woman without fucking it up at some point…multiple times usually. i just don’t do well with expectations and shit like that. i’m not who you want me to be. i am who i am. and sometimes, that means i open up at the most unexpected time. i’m an introvert for god’s sake. the fact that i even open up at all should be worth something. but i often feel it’s worth nothing…or at least not good enough. there have been only a handful of people who know me well enough and have the patience and understanding enough to hang in there with me.

hopefully, this current one will hang around since she’s the only close female i have left. guh why couldn’t i have gotten the “express your emotions” gene like the rest of the female population?!

A Clockwork Orange – Review

A Clockwork Orange A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
I had really high hopes for this book. When I first began the book, I was surprised at the language used by the narrator, and found it fascinating how you can learn a language simply by context interspersed with known language. That “side-journey” definitely added to the story. However, much like Slaughterhouse-V I was disappointed as a result of my expectations. The book definitely touches on some interesting aspects of society and how we handle violence and disrespect of authority. It also addressed some of the ethical challenges in reforming violent offenders. All interesting topics, but I really was looking for more twists and turns, more commentary on how society deals with the issues, and in general deeper exploration of things only touched on. I can’t wait to see the movie now, though.

View all my reviews >>

mama’s got a new pair of shoes

i ran for the first time in a long time last night.  for me, a long time = 2-3 years.  the sibling rivalry classic challenge is definitely going to motivate me in terms of cardio.  i’m typically motivated to workout, but cardio has always been a challenge.  it’s a total workout, really, and i know it’s tough for most.

however, last night was one of the first times that i actually enjoyed running.  was it my new (properly fitted) running shoes?  that certainly helped.  i think it was more of a mental thing though.  and i think that’s a result of my yoga practice.  i simply connected to the breathe and body like i do in yoga, and the time actually flew by.  i ran for only about 30 minutes so as not to kill myself on my first day back.  but it was great!  and i’m not hurting too badly today.   i figured if i can hold some of the postures in yoga for 5 breathes, i can run a couple of miles.  it certainly works lol.

i think i’ll run again on thursday. 🙂

traditional new year’s ponderings post

in light of  a tradition i decided to set for myself last year, it’s time to post the ponderings for 2009.  i hate resolutions because they’re very temporary.  i prefer to have goals or ideas for what i’d like to shoot for.  i still frequently forget those things by mid-year, but it never hurts to write it down neverthless.

first and foremost is travel.  i really think 2009 will be another big travel year for me because i really think my mind is set on it.  europe has been calling to me, and though i’m not sure exactly where or when (would like to do it when it’s good weather), i’m going to get across the pond one way or another.  the beach is also a must, considering i’m only a couple of hours away.  it’s generally an affordable option.  and of course, i’d like to get back out to the west coast to see the family.  2008 was a great year of revisiting my extended family and spending quality time with my aging grandparents.  must do more of that!

next is the workout regimen.  the last part of 2008 was a time of transition.  many of the habits i developed throughout 2008 fell off the radar as i transitioned into a new job which changed my schedule among other things.  the first quarter will involve Sibling Rivalry Classic, so that should be a great motivator to get me started in 2009.  i ended 2008 by restarting my yoga practice, as well.

one last thing that has been more prominently on my mind as 2008 came to a close was my involvement (or lack thereof) in music.  one of my goals last year was to get back in touch with my (non-electronic) artsy side, which meant drawing, writing, doing music (singing, playing guitar, whatever), or something along those lines.  while those things didn’t quite take hold last year, i think music will be a bigger part of my life this year, primarily because it’s naturally in my thoughts these days.  the guitar sits in my great room…calling to me.  i shall answer it today.

also from the plane – a blog post

6:58pm EDT 10-16-08

as i watched the amazing clouds float by on the first leg of my trip to sacramento, i became inspired.  i’ve written a lot less frequently these days as i have cleared many extraneous entities from my life.  without much drama, i lack motivation to write.  funny how writing seems to be that way with a lot of artists.  if they’re not tortured, they’re not inspired and thus they don’t produce. 

however, i digress.

i am currently inspired as i’ve never really had an opportunity to see such an amazing array of clouds permeate the horizon.  i rarely even get a window seat much less one with a decent view.  despite the seating, i frequently fly at night or the clouds are too thick to be anything other than a white landlike mass or it’s clear as a bell with only the cities and towns to entertain me from far below.  not today.

it was fascinating to watch the clouds from above them.  while they don’t look all that different, the perspective was fresh and interesting.  the change in perspective and my unusual awe prompted me to draw the analogy of the change in perspective that i’ve been developing over the last several months (actually, years, but my efforts have only recently been solidifying into results). 

the changes are difficult to quantify.  one of the most obvious recent changes has been in my job.  while it’s primarily a surface change with good financial and goal-oriented reasons, i view it also as a time to start over at a new job.  the change in perspective in relation to work has been to disconnect from the personal relationships that i tend to develop at a company.  i never realized how much those personal relationships can interfere with work.  this is a difficult task for someone with the social tendencies that i have.  i like to have fun and be friendly, but i’m learning that these things have a very specific place in the professional work environment. 

this shift in philosophy has been difficult for me because at the same time, i’m also realizing what it truly means to be true to myself.  this is yet another reason for finding a new job.  no matter the reasons, pushing myself in my career and/or education has always been one of the ways for me to be true to myself.  i must put myself in situations where i can not only succeed, but succeed beyond what anyone else would ever have imagined.  yes…i’m an over-achiever lol.

while it’s not a new idea to be true to myself, how i go about it is a little different these days.  i’m working on not simply pascifying people so “we can all get along.”  that means being honest about who i want to hang out with, being honest to people about who i am and what i believe, and making no apology for any of those things.  if i have to apologize for something, then why the hell am i doing it? 

these are tough changes to make.  i feel like i’m trying to turn a giant ship that’s charging ahead at full speed.  that’s why, despite a couple of years of trying to make some changes, the transformation is only now taking shape.  i look forward to what’s next.  it’s a never-ending cycle, and i know this won’t be the last of it.  but the fruits of my labor are ripening.  i see the clouds from above instead of just below.