Category Archives: musings

mama’s got a new pair of shoes

i ran for the first time in a long time last night.  for me, a long time = 2-3 years.  the sibling rivalry classic challenge is definitely going to motivate me in terms of cardio.  i’m typically motivated to workout, but cardio has always been a challenge.  it’s a total workout, really, and i know it’s tough for most.

however, last night was one of the first times that i actually enjoyed running.  was it my new (properly fitted) running shoes?  that certainly helped.  i think it was more of a mental thing though.  and i think that’s a result of my yoga practice.  i simply connected to the breathe and body like i do in yoga, and the time actually flew by.  i ran for only about 30 minutes so as not to kill myself on my first day back.  but it was great!  and i’m not hurting too badly today.   i figured if i can hold some of the postures in yoga for 5 breathes, i can run a couple of miles.  it certainly works lol.

i think i’ll run again on thursday. 🙂

traditional new year’s ponderings post

in light of  a tradition i decided to set for myself last year, it’s time to post the ponderings for 2009.  i hate resolutions because they’re very temporary.  i prefer to have goals or ideas for what i’d like to shoot for.  i still frequently forget those things by mid-year, but it never hurts to write it down neverthless.

first and foremost is travel.  i really think 2009 will be another big travel year for me because i really think my mind is set on it.  europe has been calling to me, and though i’m not sure exactly where or when (would like to do it when it’s good weather), i’m going to get across the pond one way or another.  the beach is also a must, considering i’m only a couple of hours away.  it’s generally an affordable option.  and of course, i’d like to get back out to the west coast to see the family.  2008 was a great year of revisiting my extended family and spending quality time with my aging grandparents.  must do more of that!

next is the workout regimen.  the last part of 2008 was a time of transition.  many of the habits i developed throughout 2008 fell off the radar as i transitioned into a new job which changed my schedule among other things.  the first quarter will involve Sibling Rivalry Classic, so that should be a great motivator to get me started in 2009.  i ended 2008 by restarting my yoga practice, as well.

one last thing that has been more prominently on my mind as 2008 came to a close was my involvement (or lack thereof) in music.  one of my goals last year was to get back in touch with my (non-electronic) artsy side, which meant drawing, writing, doing music (singing, playing guitar, whatever), or something along those lines.  while those things didn’t quite take hold last year, i think music will be a bigger part of my life this year, primarily because it’s naturally in my thoughts these days.  the guitar sits in my great room…calling to me.  i shall answer it today.

also from the plane – a blog post

6:58pm EDT 10-16-08

as i watched the amazing clouds float by on the first leg of my trip to sacramento, i became inspired.  i’ve written a lot less frequently these days as i have cleared many extraneous entities from my life.  without much drama, i lack motivation to write.  funny how writing seems to be that way with a lot of artists.  if they’re not tortured, they’re not inspired and thus they don’t produce. 

however, i digress.

i am currently inspired as i’ve never really had an opportunity to see such an amazing array of clouds permeate the horizon.  i rarely even get a window seat much less one with a decent view.  despite the seating, i frequently fly at night or the clouds are too thick to be anything other than a white landlike mass or it’s clear as a bell with only the cities and towns to entertain me from far below.  not today.

it was fascinating to watch the clouds from above them.  while they don’t look all that different, the perspective was fresh and interesting.  the change in perspective and my unusual awe prompted me to draw the analogy of the change in perspective that i’ve been developing over the last several months (actually, years, but my efforts have only recently been solidifying into results). 

the changes are difficult to quantify.  one of the most obvious recent changes has been in my job.  while it’s primarily a surface change with good financial and goal-oriented reasons, i view it also as a time to start over at a new job.  the change in perspective in relation to work has been to disconnect from the personal relationships that i tend to develop at a company.  i never realized how much those personal relationships can interfere with work.  this is a difficult task for someone with the social tendencies that i have.  i like to have fun and be friendly, but i’m learning that these things have a very specific place in the professional work environment. 

this shift in philosophy has been difficult for me because at the same time, i’m also realizing what it truly means to be true to myself.  this is yet another reason for finding a new job.  no matter the reasons, pushing myself in my career and/or education has always been one of the ways for me to be true to myself.  i must put myself in situations where i can not only succeed, but succeed beyond what anyone else would ever have imagined.  yes…i’m an over-achiever lol.

while it’s not a new idea to be true to myself, how i go about it is a little different these days.  i’m working on not simply pascifying people so “we can all get along.”  that means being honest about who i want to hang out with, being honest to people about who i am and what i believe, and making no apology for any of those things.  if i have to apologize for something, then why the hell am i doing it? 

these are tough changes to make.  i feel like i’m trying to turn a giant ship that’s charging ahead at full speed.  that’s why, despite a couple of years of trying to make some changes, the transformation is only now taking shape.  i look forward to what’s next.  it’s a never-ending cycle, and i know this won’t be the last of it.  but the fruits of my labor are ripening.  i see the clouds from above instead of just below.

written on the plane

as i flew out of my city last week, i saw the most amazing clouds as we chased the sunset westward.  here’s the first result of the view…

between the blankets
6:50pm EDT 10-16-08

drifting by
can’t tell the depths
usually looking up
but now looking down
upon the puffs of white
dotting the terra firma

some swoosh and whisp
others tower and flow
stuck between the layers
can’t quite tell which are up
not sure which are down
slowly they consume me

envelope me
cover me with your cushion
over the top of my head
underneath both my feet
how could i want to be stuck
between these blankets of clouds

i am in awe
you’ve been wrapped ’round
lovingly covering my soul
gently cradling my spirit
i want to be forever stuck
between your blankets of love

morning adventure

enjoying the outdoors
this morning when i got done getting ready, brain was indicating that she wanted to go outside (figured it was to poop). so i let her out, and she bolts to the corner of the yard where the trees are. she seems to be chasing something, but i can’t tell what she’s after…until i see one of the bunnies has found it’s way into the back yard. so brain chases the rabbit around the trees for a bit, and the rabbit is furiously trying to find a way out of the fence (he keeps running into the fence hoping to get under or through it).

after a couple of laps around the trees, brain finally catches the rabbit! the bunny goes limp, and brain carries it around the yard proudly. i call for her to bring it to me, but of course she doesn’t listen. i go down into the yard, and make brain sit and drop (she did NOT want to give that rabbit up!). i finally get the rabbit out of her mouth, and allow the bunny to go free.

i sent brain inside because the rabbit STILL couldn’t get out of the fence. it actually got itself stuck trying to squeeze itself through the wiring. i had to help it squeeze it’s hind legs through the wiring to get it out lol.

it was quite an adventure, and i know brain was disappointed that i made her give up her catch (she kept obsessing about going outside when i brought her in). it was really funny watching her walked around with the rabbit in her mouth. wish i had gotten a pic of it.



so much hurt around me
so much pain
need to disconnect
need to ground
the weight of the world
all on my chest
crushing force
drowns all that is me
drains me from the top
pulls me down below

i am stronger
my heart is bottomless
love extends deeper
than this physical body
arms extend further
than this physical earth
can’t keep me down
can’t keep me away
healing energy abounds
all working through me


written with much love in my heart for, and dedicated to…my hurting friends.

waxing poetic

i stand erect
barefoot in the grass
ears listening at full volume
the rain has come
but has not fully left

rain drops fall one at a time
a drop on my shoulder
then one on my hand
another on my back
one on my nose
drop, drip, drop

a bird chirps ahead of me
air conditioners hum away
the drainage is my personal waterfall
it washes away all that is not mine

when did the crickets start?
have they been chirping all along?
a voice in the near distance
an engine turns over
click, click, roar

open my eyes to a twinkling
lightning bugs surround me
is it that time of twilight?
i’m happy to be home
i’m happy to be done.

–written during tonight’s impromptu standing meditation in honor of today’s absorption of energy

i have cleared all that does not serve me well.

, my friends.

seeing stars

today’s apod reminded me of parts of a dream i had last night. 

the most memorable part of the dream was that i walked out of my house, and it was a dark, clear night.  no moon.  the stars shown brightly, and i could see farther into the universe than ever.  i also saw clearly the constellations that the ancients saw.  i felt as if my eyes were opened to the secrets hidden in the sky.

i’m fairly certain this dream was prompted by my recent clarity and focus due to my tai chi practice, yoga practice, and daily meditation.  perhaps i should make more time for star gazing too.  heh.

clever, eh?

cleverly inviting
closer, i’m drawn in
shiny, sparkling, sizzling
tease me from the beginning
entice me to the end
feel the rhythm
dancing all around
energy whirls up and down
drowning, deafening, deceiving
look to the resplendent sky
see the celestial bodies
awaiting your observance
held in trance by the thought of you
they bow down at your feet
i can only gawk
awkwardly smirking at the site
cleverly inviting
i’m drawn out.

i am becoming.

been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  not just romantic ones, but all kinds…and all the kinds i’ve had.  i’ve met a lot of new people lately, and have formed some new friendships.  it’s very positive, but i can’t help but look back for a moment.  i’m trying to make it a brief moment because i think you should remain present.  but you can learn from the past.  i think that’s what i’m hoping to do.  i’ve learned quite a bit this year already, and it’s only the beginning.

i’m certainly at a transition in my life.  graduating college has been a big change.  i’ve had a lot more time to do what i want (or what i thought i wanted lol), which is cool.  so i’ve been exploring all the things you can do with spare time.  hahah.  got a wow character to 60, began practicing yoga and tai chi, read my new favorite book, the fountainhead, and have been really enjoying work.  it’s been interesting trying to figure out what satisfies me lol.

and then i remember a phrase a guide once said trying to make my situation clear: “i am becoming.”  it rings so true.  be present.  just be.

ponderings of the universe.

i’ve been writing this post since 8pm this evening. “but…you were in yoga at 8pm,” you proclaim. well yes. many posts have been written started on my yoga mat, but few make it through to completion (much less any typing at all). i decided that tonight, i should complete a yoga-inspired post for once.


i wasn’t going to go to yoga. i was SO close to not going that i even had a beer with my co-workers, but i exercised restraint (OMG!) and went to yoga despite my body’s resistance.

go towards the resistance. embrace the resistance.

yoga practice was hard, but amazing all at the same time. i had already convinced myself to take it easy. i haven’t been to yoga in 1.5 weeks, which means my body is a little out of rhythm. steve (the owner of the studio i go to) taught the class. he’s an older man (maybe in his 50s), but you can tell he’s been doing yoga for a while–we’ll just say, very well built. like most yoga teachers, he had a certain air about him. he was an instructor (physical) and a guide (spiritual). (from a woman’s point of view) it’s very interesting to get that kind of a feeling from a man.

practice ended. my weight melted into the mat. embrace the non-resistance.

my soul is cleansed. my energy is more pure than it was when i left work. and i feel enlightened once more. waxing poetic. tonight, i was the entire universe and nothing, all at the same time.



theory of blogging

i think i tend to blog more when i don’t have anyone to shoot the shit with.  for instance, when i travel by myself, i will typically chronicle via blog more often.  this was the case last week in boston.  i suppose it’s because i’m not content only to mull things over in my head.  i have to get it out into some arena for a small possible amount of discussion.  otherwise, i start thinking too much…

but i babble.  bloggle.  lol.

notsorandom musings

the following was written during my sushi dinner tonight after an afternoon of reading more of the wisdom of insecurity. DISCLAIMER: this book is not for everyone. if you have a fairly negative outlook on life or are not ready to be open-minded about your religion/philosophy, you should NOT read this book yet.


7:39pm EDT 9/21/06 Shilla Korean & Japanese Restaurant (down the street from MIT)

sweet nectar of the gods
Originally uploaded by madethelflintz0r.

thinking that i yearn for days
that did not come
thinking that i had done the other
but shunning that
thinking of a time not lost
caught in yesterday
but not right now.

presence is reality
past, future don’t exist
only a fleeting memory
a motionless picture
of a rapidly moving moment
taken out of context.
you think you know
but stop thinking and know!


does it matter?
does it exist?
does it exist seperately?
does it exist seperately from me?
the question is not “what is the meaning,” but “what is the existence.”